Science vs. Career

It seems natural to me that I would like to work in science. Science is cool. You might not think that because maybe in 5th grade you had Mr. Boringasallgetout for a science teacher and he took your love of the natural world out to the woodshed. But it's still cool, you're just wrong about it. In particular, the coolest part of the cool world of science is the human body. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I mean, my GOD, from enzymes to organs, from applied chemistry to consciousness, it all works out to a you and a me, to people reading this blog and so on and so forth. If you haven't considered it much, trust me, to comprehend 1% of the complexity of the working human body is to be blown away.

So, it sucks that I have found out that the Ph.D. track in biology/biochem/whatever is turning out to be an awful fit. I mentioned that track before, the sort of grad student to post doc to professor track. And the reason it's turning out to be an awful fit is the culture of the track. The defining feature of that culture is it's omnipresence, the expectation that being a scientist means that you are a scientist at work, and at home, and at religious times, and sleeping, etc. That message was repeated throughout graduate school - you are always "on", you are never "off" and when you are "off" you should be "on". This is the culture that says you should work 80 hours a week, the culture that says even after you are done with the day's work you should take some work home, the culture that says science is priority #1, let nothing come before it.

Turns out that culture and I don't get along. At all. I've known for a while that work was a pretty low priority. Work doesn't get listed on the same page as my family. Work doesn't, frankly, outrank my hobbies in priority to me. It's something I have to do, and it's something I try to excel at because I believe that's an appropriate work ethic. But I find that I expect there to be a boundary between my work and the rest of my life. That boundary didn't have to be a rigid 40 hour work week with 9 to 5 hours. I worked weekend hours regularly enough, especially in graduate school, to treat my work responsibilities seriously. However, I expected that boundary to hold on my off time. I didn't think I should have to feel concern that 5 hours on Saturday morning wasn't enough time. I didn't think I should have to feel guilty about leaving at 5:30 so that I could go down to Geneseo once a week to play games with friends.

I struggled with this in graduate school. In the end, I powered through it because a) I wasn't going to just quit because it was tough, and b) the other side of the boundary was, frankly, more selfish, it was more about my free time. Things changed, especially at the post doc in Atlanta, with Malcolm, and one car, and Teresa's internship. Again I didn't quit because quitting was just something you don't do, in that after school special mentality. But now the other side of my boundary wasn't my playstation time, or my D&D time, it was my quality interaction with my son time. It was my help my wife pursue her career time. It was my be a father and a husband time. In graduate school, I dealt with my resentment at the culture by putting the onus on my own shoulders to push the boundary to include as much work as I could. As a post doc, and as a father and husband in Atlanta, the conflict with this scientific career culture became untenable.

I had an interview for a post doc in Rochester last month. I call it an interview, but let's be honest, the thing was a 40 minute lecture. I was picturing snowballs and devils about the time the interviewer launched into his hours you work speech (and let's say that he expected 80 hours a week, because he did). It was then that I realized I would just stay unemployed before working for him, if that's what it came to. At the time, I just sort of cleared that interview emotionally from me, but eventually it came back into my brain. That was the science culture I was going to re-enter, in some other post doc. I would probably find a much better fit than this individual, but the culture is still there, even if not in the immediate direct manner of this particular lab. That was when this really crystallized for me, when I knew that wherever I was going to work, I wanted to be done with this culture. And so that's where we get to now. No more post doc. No more aiming at some tenured professorship. It's hard to describe the unburdening of spirit that has come with this decision, but if you find that to be too melodramatic let me simplify: I am much happier now.

Next then to the inevitable question of, what now. Well, I still love science. It turns out that loving science does not cure all, and that in this case, it did not overcome the very bad fit I have just described. I'm currently job searching for lab tech jobs, science industry jobs, and am keeping an eye out for science writing jobs (although on this last part I am really clueless about how to get my foot in the door). I'm also willing to work outside of science, but that's sort of a harder row to hoe. Suffice to say that after 7 years of graduate school, and 2 more as a postdoc, I am a little gunshy about embarking on a bunch of education to jump into something new without some experience. I realize there's a catch there, you need the experience and education to do the work, and I am aiming for the reverse order a bit. However having made the break form my previous career track, I am aware that nothing particularly compels me to limit my job search to science jobs. There are a few sort of possibilities that always hooked in my brain when I thought of them before, like working with a non profit organization like the red cross/amnesty intl/planned parenthood, something forensic related, or even woodworking and furniture making, but those are all just ideas now. To make anything come of them would require a lot more consideration and research.

I guess I want to close off by saying that I have pretty seriously indicted the scientific culture. I think it's a really unhealthy balance between work and the rest of life, and I think the fact that some people match well with the culture is lousy evidence in its support. However, I have worked with really great people in science. I'm not going to list them out here, especially since I am sure I would accidentally omit many. Despite how I feel about the Ph.D. culture, I am very grateful for the relationships I made during that time. How I feel about science culture is very distinct from how I feel about the people I worked with. Scientists are often (but not always) really awesome people and I am privileged to have been their colleague.

Family Update

Hi everybody, this is Matt. The short form of this post is this : We ain't'nt dead. Points to anyone who can name the character I just paraphrased.

Things are going nicely here, and Teresa has requested that I do some blogging, which I am happy to oblige, so here's some more details.

For anyone who doesn't know we are in the Rustic Village apartments, and I am happy to say that this is turning out to be quite nice. Aside from a shamefully small kitchen and the need to take the dogs out, we are very pleased with this apartment. The complex has a really nice playground and toddler pool which we have taken advantage of quite a bit, and every building has its own laundry room, so we aren't schlepping to a laundromat. We do have the sudden need for quarters, but there is a little concierge with a change machine we can stop at, so we can't find ourselves totally up a crick.

Malcolm is doing well. I am doing the stay at home dad thing, and we are generally filling our mornings with trips to the Strong Museum of Play, the zoo, storytime at the Brighton library, and other errands and such. He remains a... willful child, but a generally happy one. It's best to find outlets for his intensity, and our morning outings do a nice job of that. Lately I am really impressed with an explosion in his grammar and sentences. I think seeing his cousin Carolyn again on our family vacation to New Hampshire really lit a fire in the speech centers of his brain. We are steadily evolving from two word phrases like "Cracker, please" to longer sentences like "I want a cracker, please." Likewise, he is asking me for what he wants much more, which is really quite helpful because it helps ward off frustration. I am asked a great deal for the "mu-sa-he-um", we're not sure why there is an extra syllable in museum, but there you go.

Teresa is having a great time with her new job. I will let her fill in details, but every time she gets home or I pick her up I get to hear about the kids that she got to help that day and how the nurses and doctors are turning to her for intervention. It sounds like the hospital really saw a need for child life to reinforce their pediatric services, I think in 6 months their chief complaint is going to be that they want three more of Teresa.

My own job search has taken a rather decisive turn. After much introspection and family consultation, I have decided that the academic Ph.D. job track is not something I want to continue pursuing. That track is basically, graduate student, post doc, tenure track professor (with variations on a theme). As for what that means to the future, it's not immediately clear. It's possible that I will stay in science in some way such as a lab tech, but also possible that I may leave science careers behind. But I am not looking for another post doc, no matter what. This was a huge decision even if it doesn't have a huge immediate impact, i.e. I am still unemployed. However, getting more into it will make this a huge post, so if people want to say in the comments that they want to here more, I will oblige with a post dedicated to the matter.

In summary, we are all doing well, we are super glad to be back in Rochester, I am leaving out tons of wonderful things that have happened already in the sake of brevity, and I look forward to more frequent updates.

Happy Day, Daddy!

Happy Birthday to Daddy!

Safe & Sound

We have safely arrived in NY, and are tucked into our new apartment.  My mother-in-law kindly took care of Malcolm for several days during the moving process, so we were able to load/unload and manage the long drive up without our sweet toddler's "assistance."  I'm happy to say that we managed to completely unpack prior to picking up Malcolm.  So his room was all set up by the time we brought him back, even down to the teddy-bear decals on the wall.

The apartment is very nice, and has lots of "extras" -- like a pool, kid's splash pool, playground, movie rental, library, party room, etc.  If it weren't for our dogs, I'd consider staying here a lot longer than our sublet (which goes thru November.)  The apartment itself is pretty small, so half our stuff is in storage at my in-laws.  Thank goodness they have a huge basement!

The dogs are dealing with apartment life.  We won't let our boy dog off leash at all.  He marks everything (for the non-dog people out there, that means he pees on the corner of all our furniture, cabinets, shoes, etc. in an effort to mark his territory.)  So he spends his days on a leash attached to my belt loop, or sleeping on the couch, our bed, or in the crate (the three places we can trust him to lay down without peeing on something.)  Hopefully this is a stage, and we can break him of the habit.  Cuz 24-7 dogwatch is already getting old.  He's especially good at sneaking off for 3 seconds to mark something while our back is turned, earning him the nickname "Ninja Penis."

Malcolm is adjusting very well.  He enjoyed his vacation with Grandma & Grandpa.  When I ask him about it, he just tells me he had fun.  Other than that  . . . "what happens at Grandma's stays at Grandma's."  Fair enough!  Though, he did demand cookies for breakfast his first morning back with us!

We've been home only a few days, and already we are pleasantly overwhelmed with all the wonderful social opportunities.  Friends calling, friends stopping by, friends inviting us over, friends inviting us out, friends inviting us to playdates . . . . . I don't even have the words to begin to explain how amazing that is to me.  While I met a few nice folk in Atlanta, I found the last two years to be achingly lonely.  To be home, and welcomed back with such love, is an overwhelming and warming confirmation.

"I think I'm gonna like it here . . . "

Nearly Time

Home stretch on the moving process.  Mom-in-law arrives tonight to take Malcolm duty.  She'll be flying up to NY with him Friday morning, so he won't have to sit thru the drive to NY.  That's way too long in a carseat for a 2.5 year old, yes?  We'll be leaving here with the Uhaul, car and dogs on Saturday morning, and arriving into Rochester in mid-to-late afternoon (depending on how far we get the first day of driving.)

Packing is nearly complete.  The bare essentials will go to the apartment with us (email me for apartment address, if you like).  The rest goes into storage at my in-laws in Buffalo, where it will stay until we buy a house (hopefully this fall).  We'll have a week to settle in, then I start my new job on the 8th of June.

Happy Adventuring, David!

My brother-in-law, David, began a tremendous adventure last Wednesday.  He will spend the next several months hiking the Appalachian Trail. 

 It starts here in Georgia, and stretches all the way to Maine.  He has until October 15th to reach the northern end, as parts of the trail close around then for early snows.

Hikers carry a pack with everything they'll need for the journey, such as:  tent, sleeping bag, water purification system, fishing line, some food (he'll get more along the way), etc.  At the trail office, hikers sign in before they begin their journey, and include their pack weight.  The other names we saw in the book had pack weights ranging from 48 to 34 pounds.  David's pack weighed only 26 pounds, and that with "more food than I really need to carry," according to David.  When I saw the other pack weights in the book, I started to worry.  But the reaction of the lady who keeps the book led me to believe that David's pack was brilliant -- the others, quite oversized!

It is tradition among many hikers to collect a small pebble at the start of the trail, and carry it with them all along their travels, and place it at the other end.  Here is David's rock:

Our thoughts are with you, David!

We hope you will enjoy every moment of this amazing experience!

Smile!